While playing on the internet to keep myself busy and help pass the time on bedrest, I discovered a website completely devoted to women going through high risk pregnancies and women on bedrest. I joined the forum and while I haven’t posted very much, I have enjoyed reading and been encouraged by several of the posts there. In one of the posts, another member talked about going through the grieving process – grieving the loss of a “normal” pregnancy.
That really struck a chord with me.
I’ve spent some time thinking about it and looked up the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As I look back through the first few weeks after realizing we were having complications with the pregnancy and being put on bedrest, I realize that I did go through all of the stages of grief. There were lots of thoughts to myself and comments to HandyMan that there was “no way” we could be going through this, that surely it was just a bad dream. Then I quickly moved on to anger, being mad that I wouldn’t get to have a “normal” pregnancy and do all of the things I had been looking forward to doing this spring & summer – taking Blue to the park to play or to the swimming pool when the weather gets warm. I wanted to do some special things with him before the baby came that we, maybe, wouldn’t be able to do with a newborn. During this stage, I spent a lot of time crying and mad that I couldn’t take care of Blue the way I was used to. I remember telling HandyMan that I just wanted to be able to “be Blue’s mom.” Bargaining and depression quickly followed – I told myself that if I was really good and did bedrest the way I was supposed to that maybe my restrictions would be lifted a little and I could do more. That hasn’t happened, but after a couple of weeks I came to accept bedrest.
That doesn’t mean that bedrest is fun – it still breaks my heart when Blue lifts his hands to me to pick him up and I can’t do it, but it does mean that bedrest has been a lot more tolerable. I’m still looking forward to being off bedrest, and now that I’m almost 30 weeks, I can see an end in sight. I know (because I asked) that when (if?) I reach 36 weeks, I’ll be able to return to normal activities. While 36 weeks is still 6 weeks away, that is a lot closer than it was when I started bedrest 8 weeks ago.
Here’s hoping the last 6 weeks go by quickly!