Falling in Love

Every expecting parent has heard stories from other parents about how they fell in love with their newborn as soon as the baby was placed (plopped?) on the mother’s chest or the first time they held their baby.

This is not what happened to me.

Although it is what happened to HandyMan. He took one look at our slimy, oddly colored baby and fell hard, crashed even.

I took one look at Blue and thought, “What have I gotten myself into?!?!” I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen (he still is), but the crashing realization I had while looking at my baby for the first time was that I was, suddenly, completely in charge of this little person’s whole life. I was responsible for meeting all of his needs – feeding him, changing his diaper, loving him, bathing him, keeping him warm, caring for him when he was sick, etc. I knew I would have help from HandyMan and our families, but as a stay at home mom, the majority of this responsibility was going to fall on me, at least in the beginning.

When we came home from the hospital, I dreaded HandyMan going back to work. I was completely terrified of being at home, by myself, with a newborn. And not just any newborn, but MY newborn. There were several times that I looked at him as he was nursing and thought that, maybe, I had made a big mistake having a baby. It was too much and I couldn’t handle it.

newborn baby boy

Newborn baby Blue.

Then, one day a couple of weeks later, while Blue was sleeping, I decided to take a shower. I left Blue in the living room, sleeping in his vibrating chair and quickly got in the shower. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I’m sure it wasn’t very long. When I got out of the shower, I could immediately hear Blue screaming. I quickly wrapped myself in a towel and went to get him. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped crying. He nestled his head into my chest, took a deep breath and just stopped crying. That was when I fell in love with my baby.

And each day I just love him more, even when he’s eating the dirt from my house plants.

But still, I wonder what will happen when baby #2 arrives. That’s right, HandyMan and I are going to have another baby. We’re due August 1st, and while I’m excited about this baby, I’m nervous about the newborn days. Will I fall in love with this baby from the beginning or will it take some time? If it doesn’t happen right away, how will I handle it? If I felt overwhelmed with Blue, how will I handle 2 small children?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but here’s what I do know. It’s OK if that sudden rush of love doesn’t happen right away, because it will happen. And when it happens it will be amazing and each day after that I will just fall more in love with my baby.

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6 Responses to Falling in Love

  1. megan says:

    This is your best post so far! Blue is one of the most beautiful babies I’ve seen too :)

  2. Aunt Jill says:

    This is just so very sweet Michelle. Very insightful. And Little Blue is just awesome beyond any words I can put on paper!

  3. Lacey says:

    Michelle, I was reading through your blog and love this post. I still remember vividly the moment after Wyatt was born, looking at him and feeling complete awe and amazement, but not much else. The first few weeks were easier for me (I attribute that to a combination of being used to being up at night from years of working nightshift and the fact that Wyatt was an “easy” newborn, or maybe I just don’t remember cleary!), so I fell completely in love with him quickly but I still feel guilty sometimes thinking of our first moment together and not feeling that overwhelming love that people describe. None of the 15 baby/pregnancy books I read or any other Mom told me that could happen :) I also wonder if my next (god-willing) pregnancy/birth will feel any different, knowing how I feel about him now. Only time will tell I guess. I look forward to hear how it feels for you and appreciate your honesty and making me feel like maybe I am not the worst mother in the world :)

    • Michelle says:

      Thanks! I’m glad you liked my post! I am not and have never been a person who functions well being up all night, so I expected that to be an issue for me – and I was right! I can totally see where if you’re used to being up at night that would help when you have a newborn. I too am anxious to see how I’ll react when baby #2 arrives. I’m hoping it will be easier since I know better what to expect. Plus my mother-in-law is going to take some time off work to come help!!

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